If there's a day when you think it's not a good day...

then it isn't. I am the kind of person who will be the spoiler of a party if there's no one spoiling it. Why? 'Coz I think there shouldn't be anything that would go perfect. Problems are a must, so it is just natural for me to feel bothered if there's no problem arising.

Tahun lepas, 6 Ogos 2007, bukanlah suatu hari yang aku rasa 'sedap'. Malam tu, aku balik dengan pak cik aku ke Penang, tayar kereta pecah...tu takpe lagi. Sampai kat rumah pun, aku relaks lagi, tapi entah kenapa aku rasa berat mulut. Bila dah tidur, aku tak lelap. Pukul 2.30 pagi tidur, rasenye pukul 3 lebih baru lelap. Bila telefon aku berbunyi tu, aku dah boleh agak la. Suara abah aku satu macam punya tenang, tapi dia cakap terus, "Yana, Tok We dah tak de."

Hoh, terdiam aku. Aku langsung tak nangis. Aku fikir nak balik Kelantan je. Aku mesej Dr Haslina, aku mesej kawan-kawan aku lepas tu terus naik kereta, tumpang pak cik aku yang kat Lumut tu, balik Pasir Puteh. Aku tak nangis langsung sepanjang 5 jam nak sampai rumah datuk aku tu. Otak aku fikir apa pun aku dah tak ingat.

Tapi bila aku sampai, memang ramai orang kat rumah. Kecoh gak la mak cik-mak cik kat rumah tu, dok tanya aku dari manala, dok mintak aku sabar la, bisik-bisik yang aku ni cucu sulung, baru sampai daripada Penang la hapa la...

Aku naik atas ke bilik Tok Ayoh aku, aku nampak je muka dia, terus berderai air mata aku. Aku langsung takleh nak fikir bila aku masuk bilik tu. Aku nangis puas-puas.

Mana nak tahu, benda sama jadi lagi tahun ni? Ni Tok Ayoh aku lak...yang aku takleh tengok muka dia kalau tak rasa sebak.

Aku bagitahu kat kawan-kawan aku ade kenduri kat rumah, 17/8 lepas. Memang dorang dah tahu. 16/8 tu pak cik aku ada akad nikah. Aku entah nape, rase agitated sangat. Sampai je masjid tu, memang agitated tahap nak mengamuk. Dekat masjid tu, aku langsung tak dengar upacara akad nikah, aku dok dengar iPod aku full blast la. Bila dah habis akad nikah tu, aku relaks sikit. Tapi masa kenduri kahwin tu, agitated lagi. Adik aku pulak dok menangis 'coz sakit hati. Dia menangis tak pasal-pasal tu memang pelik la, 'coz selalunya aku yang sakit ati dengan cousins aku belah abah aku ni. Dekat kenduri tu, dorang kasi CD as presents to the guests. I got a CD titled 'Tirai Kematian' iaitu 'Death's Curtain'.

My sister and I were basically sick of the ceremony. Our mom told us before hand that my granddad is planning to go back to the hospital, so we're thinking of him and to get home as fast as possible. But they are dragging the time, dahla tak solat lagi masa tu. We want to get back by 3, but we're still taking pictures- me and my sis were all outside not bothering about the photo session- and it was 3 when we were on our way back.

Half way nak sampai rumah, mak aku call mak cik aku- aku naik skali dgn mak cik aku- and lepas tu mak cik aku cakap 'Inalillah...'

Sah-sah...adik aku terus nangis. Aku lak, blur...Aku takle nak nangis, so aku dok tepuk belakang adik aku, trying to calm her down. Then my aunt cakap, "Ayah Cik takkan lupa la wedding day dia, coz hari ni ayah dia meninggal..." die abis cakap je, tak putus-putus keluar air mata aku.

Aku memangla sangat sensitive about my Tok Ayoh. He had went through so much with Tok We that I can't see how they can be apart for so long. Before aku balik umah, aku before tidor, tiap-tiap malam aku doa so that He would lessen my granddad's burden, to make him feel better, to give him what's best. And it turns out to be this...


aaah, aku sambung lepas ni la plak...wat sedih diri sendiri je