強がり and 負け惜しみ

Tsuyogari and Make Oshimi...

are not new words for me...okay, maybe yang first tu, yes, a new hatsugen for me.

Tsuyogari- bluff;show of courage
Make Oshimi-poor loser; make excuses; unwilling to admit defeat; sour grapes

maji benkyou dane, kyou. Ah~ tadi tertonton<--? Last Friends epi 11 and seriously, walaupun mula-mula tu rase cerita is so my type, but sorry to say, even when I love reality based dramas, there are things that you want to think is still as sweet as a dream. Entah ape aku cakap pun tak tahu. But hey! Life is a drama. It's so melodramatic, I think I am such a bad actor since I've been doing nothing but whine and point a finger to someone.

Bad bad bad of me.

My life is so lifeless if I'm hook on the computer too. But I cannot live without my cayang laptop too.

Life is just the way they are. It's not always sweet and pretty all the way till the end. I guess the amount of times we fall is also the reason that keeps us going. At home, I AM A SPOIL BRAT! Bayangkan, tiap-tiap minggu kena marah dengan my beloved Umi. God, how old am I again? I know I'm childish, but there's this part of me which doesn't want to leave that part of me...get it? Even if I'm 30 ke, I still think my mom is the person I'll always refer back to. I love my parents, Umi, Abah and my family. I don't care if I'm still living with them till I got out ten years later, because they are here while they still could, kita tak tahu bile kite or depa pergi dulukan?

Family is everything for me.

Once, I nearly lost them. Let me say when; last year's August. My grandma died. My dad's unstable thoughts and everything resulted to A LOT OF PROBLEMS. You have no idea how scared I was. I traveled back home every week for two months straight because I don't want my parents to split. I still remember the nights I didn't sleep to just accompany my mom...or the days I spent talking with my dad.

Heck, I don't care if I'm not going to be with someone in this life because my family matters most.

Don't get me wrong, aku selalu doa for whoever that unmei na hito will be. For him to be safe and healthy. *I'm choking on my words* giler memalukan

The other day I had this meme thing on LJournal and my March birth month said this:

MARCH: Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate. Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others. Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves travelling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decors. Musically talented. Loves special things. Moody.

And when I saw that line...

Am I?
Nah...
Maybe...
but
was he THE one?
if he was?
but he was probably my...
what?
crush?
like?
like, for three years?

Oh, and how ironic is it that it's Utada's First Love playing now?

Love kaaaaaaaaa...
shiranai~
keiken shita koto mo nai shi ne~
kedo wakaru kamo...the song that is!

but there are things that need time. maybe I'm saying this to actually give myself some piece of mind. what? I don't care. I actually rase nak cuba and give it a chance. I know, I have the - cinta selepas kahwin thing...and I still believe in it...tapi is it even, normal...for girls? Because I don't really know anymore.tapi yang aku tahu, there's this thing called jodoh and He makes everything and everyone in pairs. That's why good things come in pairs.

And... Oh yesh! I wanted to talk about this actually.

負け惜しみわけじゃなくて、信じたいと思ったけれど、もしかしたら、私達の話はここまでかも知らない。今まで、本当に好きだったって事は黙ってた。ずっと片思いかなとおもちゃったから、お互い好きなんて信じられない。しかし、今そちらの方は好きな人もいるから、私邪魔したくない。お幸せに。この友情を切った、ごめんなさい。

ただ強がりでした。

misssssssssssssssssssss akak and ili so much \(^3^)/

p/s: ilya and shaz~ miss you two too!